THE RANDY SWINDLERS

THE GENERAL ELECTION

REPRESENTING WESTON SUPER MARE 

FOR ‘THE GOLDEN FLEECE’ PARTY’ (Headquarters: 17A Shady Glade, George Town, Cayman Islands)

Mr RANDY SWINDLER ! (Your  LOCAL ‘Golden Fleece Party’ Candidate!)
Our mottos:
‘LET’S BE HAVING YOU,’
‘YOUR ‘SAFE’ IN OUR HANDS’
‘VOTE NOW…PAY TOMORROW’
To join us -
Party membership fees as follows-
Registration fee. 100 guineas.
Annual subscription fee. 150 guineas.

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OUR MANIFESTO.
The Economy.
Our ‘Shadow Chancellor of The Exchequer’ to be Mr Lionel Blair Hutz the 3^rd. (Presently of no fixed abode)
All Bank Of England gold reserves (£156 billion+), funds and bonds to be transferred to Golden Fleece Investments PLC (Registered Cayman Islands) 
All investments to be personally handled by Mr ‘Lucky’ Tom Champaign. ( CEO of the newly created tax haven of Birnbeck Isle, Weston Super Mare .)
Threadneedle street offices to be sold to ‘Bet Fred’. These to be converted into a new casino complex and indoor greyhound racing track.
Amnesty for ‘Tax Exiles’.   Bringing them ‘back into the fold with our ‘Golden Fleece, “Welcome home”, Handshake’ . (Let’s face it- they are all entrepreneurs- and our country needs them!)
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Pensions.
All pension portfolios to be ‘safeguarded’ by placing them in our secure Keynsham ‘Pensions Warehouse’  Here they will be sensibly and reliably invested using the Swindler ‘Infra Draw Method’ (1^st popularised by  an early ‘Golden Fleece’ party member - Sir Horace Batchelor)
For further information on pensions please read the Sir Hugo Von Munchousen ‘Euthanasia and Cryogenic Solutions’ Brochure.
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  Health
Shadow minister for Health ‘Dr Hugo Von Munchousen.’
Sir Hugo will abolish the NHS and replace it with the revolutionary Hugo Von Munchousen ‘Self Diagnosis and DIY Home Treatment System’.
Instruction manual and details of courses that teach the ‘Munchousen DIY Medicare Method’ to be sent to all households in the UK.  (price £100)
All hospital and medical premises will be modified to cater for the new DIY system.
Dr Hugo’s Seminal tome on DIY Dentistry is also available for a further £25.
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 Education.
All schools to be brought under central government control.
All future school funding to be directly paid for by parents into the central government coffers, and fees to be based on value of parent’s car.
‘Conkers’ to be re- introduced to all school playgrounds. Also a variety of contact sports including ‘gut barging’ and ‘sumo wrestling’ for the clinically obese.
All exams to be abolished and replaced with ‘The Apprentice’ system of ‘whoever makes the most money during term time goes to the top of the class.’ (Thus encouraging future entrepreneurs and investing in the vital financial future of our Nation)
Introducing casinos and scratch cards (in conjunction with ‘Bet Fred’) to primary school children. (To encourage numeracy and ‘responsible gambling’)
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Housing
‘Help to rent’ initiative.( A direct subsidy to be paid immediately to cash strapped landlords) This to be overseen by Sir Fergus Wilson and Dame ‘Dolly’ Rackman.
‘HELP TO BUY’
1^st time buyers  to be offered ‘Time Share’ prefabricated apartments and tents. Designed by ‘Norman Nutcrusher Developments Inc.’ utilising redundant lorry containers and surplas parachutes (sequestered from Army and Navy Stores) and tailored for people who are prepared to share with others who also are prepared to work during ‘anti-social’ hours.
These to be built on ‘brownfield’ sites throughout the country. Initial down payments and mortgage payments to be made to central government via the ‘Swindler’ Easy Payment
Scheme, underwritten by  ‘Swindler Investments UK Ltd’ 
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Environmental Tax.
A new ‘Rainfall Tax’ to be levied on all people. This to be based on acreage of land owned.For far too long people have taken for granted the ‘free’ water that falls on their land each year. This will raise conservation awareness and generate billions of pounds in revenue. £1.00 per litre of rainfall 
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Energy.
FRACKING.
Minister for Fracking – Sir Charles Snuffles.Following recent announcements encouraging fracking for oil, Sir Charles says - "Only the owners of property should have the right to profit from the rich mineral deposits that exist under their own homes !
Why should big business keep all the proceeds?
DIY ‘Fracking kits’ to be made available to all UK households
(Kits include – geo-sonic surveying equipment, drilling rig / dynamite / high pressure water pump etc)

.Bankers!
Fed up with Bankers getting all the spoils!?
Bank CEO’s and others worthy of massive payouts to be paid in future with ‘Bankers Vouchers’ only!
These to be redeemable at all ‘Smith and Wesson’ Gunsmiths and at all ‘Swindler ‘Bagsafe’ Country Shoots’, golf courses and Cynthia Payne massage parlours  throughout the UK!  Either that or by using the ‘Swindler Country Estate Transferable Assets Option’.
Payments can be made ‘In Kind’. For instance the recent reasonable annual bonus payment to Tom Champaign of ‘Swindler International Banking PLC’ of 12 million pounds could easily have been redeemed, using the ‘In Kind’ system, for 1 million brace of Pheasants! 30 years massage in one of Cynthia’s Parlours, or indeed, a 500 acre estate in Argylleshire!
 
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