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APOLOGIES!

1. Firstly I must counter the furore over the amount of Bonus paid by The Randy Swindler Banking Corporation to myself (of which I am of course CEO) of 4 million Pounds. I can assure you all that this is a totally normal sum to pay to anyone in my position despite the losses incurred by the organisation during the last financial year. Especially, may I add, considering the amount given to charities such as ‘Norfolk Mountain Rescue’, ‘Widows of Trowbridge Deep Sea Fishermen’ and ‘Financially Distressed Bristol Balloonists’)

2. I am happy to announce that my ongoing litigation with the Burnham On Sea Lighthouse Preservation Society has finally been settled and all the disputed funds have been returned to the society with a full and robust explanation of how they ended up in my account. 

3. Anyone who purchased a ‘Randy Swindler DIY Prostate self - examination Kit’. Apparently in some instances the legend ‘SCREWFIX’ has been discovered embossed on the back of the camera and we wish to inform you that in this case these are obviously bogus items and not the high quality surgical items we are providing.

4. Complaints are still coming in following unexpected pregnancies that have occurred following Dr Hugo Von Munchousen’s revolutionary telephonic vasectomies. Weak batteries in Dr Hugo’s mobile phone are believed to be the cause! 

5. Blues fans who turned up at The Albert Hall to see a Holographic show featuring Howling Wolf. In fact this was an event featuring ‘Howling Wilf’ who was showing slides demonstrating his ‘Primal Screaming Stress Relief’ technique at the Albert Inn in Bedminster.

  

6. Problems relating to equipment supplied by our subsidiary company SWINDLER CAMPING SOLUTIONS PLC

arising from the mis-use of the Randy Swindler ‘Bell End Inflator Pump’ and subsequent hospitalisations.

It seems there has been a misunderstanding by some users of the equipment provided by 

It seems that the simple instructions included in tent’s manual have not been understood or followed properly.

It says in the manual -

“The tent comes complete with handy turbo ‘erector pump’ and full instructions on how to use. It says - Just switch on the ‘Bell End’ inflator and be amazed at how soon it grows!”. We hope that explains the matter and wish all those affected a speedy recovery for any injuries sustained.

  7. And finally - I also apologise for the now infamous events that took place last summer during the ‘Swindler Dreamy Time Nature Trail’ on Berrow Sands.

To anyone who attended the ‘Dreamy Times Nature Trail ’ this was unfortunately misspelt in the brochure and on  posters and should of course have read ‘Dreamy Time Naturism Trails’ ! The subsequent misunderstandings and outrage regarding the unexpected nudity, plus the brawl and arrests that were made on last Sunday afternoon were all the more regrettable for the fact that unfortunately the beach had also been booked by The ‘Highbridge Ladie’s for their annual antiquarian charity book sale. I am pleased to say that  all the ladies injured in the fracas have now been fully compensated .

Shows

                            RANDY SWINDLER'S ‘ADVENTURE CARE HOMES PLC’ 

BINDING CONTRACT

Relating to the admission of a relative into the care of a R.S.A.C.H

Please fill in all details below and submit to Swindler Enterprises, 15 A, Branson Villas, Tortola, B.V.I.

Full Name. ( Please include Mothers Maiden name and date of birth

Bank Acc details inc. Sort Code/Acc no./Pin Number/Password/Fav.pet name)

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Address………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………I Hereby bequeath all the savings and property of my Parent/Husband/Wife to Randy Swindler Enterprises (R.S.E) on the understanding that on the death of my Parent/Husband/Wife/ETC, all funds (except 5% which shall be returned to me after all expenses/ interest/ fees etc have been deducted) will be retained by R.S.E.

(N.B. In the unlikely event that your relative survives more than 7 days at the R.S.A.C.A a further fee of £1000 per day will be chargeable for the remainder of their stay. This is non- refundable)

Please note - Vertical internment of your relative in a Randy Swindler Serenity Cemetary is NOT included in the above package.

Signed….

…………………………………………………………………  Date. ………………………… 

               Activities include -                 

Tight Rope Walking /Roller skating/deep sea diving/bungee jumping/stock car racing/Russian Roulette followed by Puffer fish supper,(fridays only) also Snake charming and Sword Swallowing on Sundays and for the exceptionally agile, wing suit flying on 1st Sat of the  month.                       www.therandyswindlers.org