U.E.I. Therapy !

(Unexpected Entry Invigoration!)

A wonderful new treatment that shocks the entire mind and body of the elderly person into a fight or flight situation.

Bought about by Norm leaping out from the background, just when they don’t expect it. 

Kill or cure. Either way- a great treatment!

(Apparently, according to scientists, a good fright has the same tonic effect on the human body as a Mediterranean holiday!)

 

 Randy Swindler's U.E.I. therapy? ( Unexpected Entry Invigoration!!!) Basically a really big fright! ( Norman Nutcrusher leaps out from  behind curtains in bedroom when least expected! ) Nearly brings on heart attack, but net result is a completely 'refreshed' nervous system. ( Or death) Used by The Randy Swindler Adventure Care Homes on a regular basis! ) Full details available from www.therandyswindlers.com 

Worried about your ageing relatives / future inheritance?

Try-

A Randy Swindler Adventure Care Home.

(Average duration of stay 7 days !)

Activities include –

Tight Rope Walking /Roller skating/deep sea diving/bungee jumping/stock car racing/Russian Roulette followed by Puffer fish supper,(fridays only) also Snake charming and Sword Swallowing on Sundays and for the exceptionally agile –wing suit flying every 1st Sat of the month.

ALSO -  Behind the ‘Tranquillity Terrace’

‘The Greenacres’ Funeral Parlour and Chapel Of Rest, Incorporating

The ‘Hugo Munchousen Cryogenic centre’ and

              The ‘Greenacre Serenity                                           Cemetary’  

RANDY SWINDLER ADVENTURE CARE HOMES PLC

BINDING CONTRACT

(Relating to the admission of a relative into the care of a R.S.A.C.H)

(Please fill in all details below and submit to Swindler Enterprises, 15 A, Branson Villas, Tortola, B.V.I.)

( Full Name. ( Please include Mothers Maiden name and date of birth)

Bank Acc details inc. Sort Code/Acc no./Pin Number/Password/Fav.pet name

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Address………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………I Hereby bequeath all the savings and property of my Parent/Husband/Wife to Randy Swindler Enterprises (R.S.E) on the understanding that on the death of my Parent/Husband/Wife/ETC, all funds (except 5% which shall be returned to me after all expenses/ interest/ fees etc have been deducted) will be retained by R.S.E.

(N.B. In the unlikely event that your relative survives more than 7 days at the R.S.A.C.A a further fee of £1000 per day will be chargeable for the remainder of their stay. This is non- refundable)

Please note - Vertical internment of your relative in a Randy Swindler Serenity Cemetary is NOT included in the above package.

Signed….

…………………………………………………………………  Date. …………………………         

www.therandyswindlers.org

DIY FRACKING KIT.

The ‘Randy Swindler D.I.Y. Home Fracking Kit!, this is  just one example of the exciting new investment  opportunities we have on offer. This kit, comprising - geo-sonic surveying equipment, high pressure water pump, drilling rig, oil storage tanks and full details of how to obtain the mineral extraction license required by the authorities, could be yours!  “Go Frack Yourselves!” That’s what Randy Swindler says! Why shouldn’t YOU own and exploit the Minerals under your very own feet!

Once you have discovered the oil all you have to do is transport it to your nearest refinery and they will do the rest!

All you have to do now is send your details and payment via our ‘user friendly website’ at www.therandyswindlers.com including name, address, date of birth, mothers’ maiden name, favourite pets names, bank details, pin numbers and passwords etc, and we will ensure that the equipment is dispatched to you ‘post - haste’.  It couldn’t be easier.