THE RANDY SWINDLERS

HELLO. If I may introduce myself.  My name is Randy Swindler.

As the momentous day of the forthcoming election looms, I know many of you are still undecided on ‘who’ to vote for? Therefore, I would like, with your permission, to say a few words now on behalf of myself and the party I intend to represent - ‘The Golden Fleece Party’.

(Disclaimer. Everything you are about to read is of course a total fabrication and based on no reliable information received, nor prior checks or research. This will of course ensure complete parity with other political parties ) 

But before I start, I would like just to say a few words to counter the completely outrageous and hurtful allegations that have been made against me in the local and international media. First and foremost, I have never met, nor have had a relationship, financial or otherwise with Lady Cynthia Bloomquist, nor indeed with Lady Ambrosia Smythe. 

I do not dispute the facts that my dear friend Dr Hugo Von Munchousen did indeed visit these ladies and administered the now new and controversial  ‘Phoniliquation’ treatments as widely reported, but subsequent thefts and malpractices are the subject of ongoing court proceedings and therefore ‘sub judice’ at present.  Also I must also add that reports of my taking part in unnatural acts of gross indecency have been blown entirely out of proportion, and I would like to stress that no persons or animals were injured during any of these alleged incidents. Finally, on another matter, I would also like to inform you that all of the disputed funds have now been returned in full to the Burnham on Sea ‘Lighthouse Preservation Society’, together with a full and robust explanation of how they ended up in my bank account !

 So, having put the record straight, I would like to underline here the basis of my party’s bid for electoral supremacy in the forthcoming general election.

Many people come up to me in the street and ask me “What is it that you, Randy, can offer the ‘Great British Public’ that other parties can’t ?” My reply to them is simple….. Money…. and lot’s of it !”,  Our Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer, Mr Lionel Blair Hutz the 3^rd, now a fully reformed character and a pillar of the local community, has come up with a brilliant scheme based on the tried and tested government policy of ‘Quantitive Easing’! Not only will this help save the economy, it will provide instant rewards for people who have recognised the merits of our simple policies. How? Well, how’s this for starters- Members of the public will be invited at the polling booths to donate a note of currency, this to be given to one of our representatives who will be there to assist you with your voting. (You will recognise them by the distinctive dark glasses that they wear) On receipt of your vote and the note, be it a £5, £10, £20 or even a £50 note, you will be given in return - quantitively ‘eased ‘notes, exact reproductions of the original, printed under license here at our headquarters on the Island. However, this time you will be given 10 times your original contribution. i.e. if you have donated £10 then you will receive £100 from our representative. “Ah, but what happens to the original donated note you ask?  Well, we keep that as a small ‘commission’ to help pay for the not inconsiderable ‘expenses’ incurred by myself and the Party in setting up this innovative system. You see, simple and effective.  That’s just one example of the plain and clear actions that you can expect to get from The Golden Fleece Party!” 

Here is an example of one of the new (Quantitively Eased ) notes that we shall be issuing.

I would also at this stage like to mention our ‘flagship’ policy on ‘DIY Fracking’. It is our belief that everyone in the country has the ‘right’ to the mineral deposits that lie underneath their properties. As you will probably know, our controversial policy would see everyone in the UK being issued with a DIY Home Fracking Kit, this incidentally already available for £1000 online at ‘Swindler’s Geo Tectonic solutionsPLC’. Over 500 ‘kits’ have already been sold and to date only a handful of complaints by unreasonable unsatisfied customers have been received. Unfortunately one of these complaints referred to an incident that has now, as I am sure you will all know, gone ‘global’ after the unfortunate collapse of my ‘Minister for Fracking’ Sir Norman Nutcrusher’s neighbour’s house. The resultant fracas that ensued, captured on cell phone and now a global hit on ‘YouTube’ that appeared to show Sir Norman being attacked by his unfortunate neighbour and the resultant charge of Grievous Bodily Harm that was served on Sir Norman, has had the effect of putting people off what we consider to be a brave and necessary policy that will underpin our energy needs for the next 20 years!

And finally -A Little Bit About Myself.

Many years ago, before I turned into the reliable, confident and completely reformed character you see before you today, I once was given an ultimatum. “Randy”, said my probation officer, a delightful American chap named Austin, “you now have the opportunity to make a choice- i.e. carry on following the disastrous instincts that have lead you to me, or strike out, be bold and grasp the moment! In other words, instead of snatch ‘n grabbit, just ‘Grab It!’. Truer words were never spoken. Unfortunately, Austin was arrested on charges of Grand Larceny shortly afterwards and I was unable to continue our fruitful relationship. However, it is with his words that I would encourage you all today to seize the moment, trust in a party that will ‘sort you out good and proper’ as Sir Norman would say, and Vote at the forthcoming election for ‘Swindler’        your local Golden Fleece Party representative

As you know The General Election is almost upon us and I feel that the moment has arrived for the ‘common man’ to rise up and say- ‘enough is enough, but I want more!’  Yes, I genuinely feel at this moment in time that the hand of history is squarely on my shoulder! (Unlike the recent ‘Constable’s (as I’m sure you will have read!) and whose number I have taken and reported!) 

Here then is the ‘GOLDEN FLEECE PARTY’s Manifesto, we hope you like it!

Remember-

‘Your SAFE in MY Hands’

Yours, most sincerely,

Randy Swindler

                         WESTON-SUPER-MARE

2024 GENERAL ELECTION

‘THE GOLDEN FLEECE’ PARTY’

(Headquarters: Swindler Towers, The Warf, Birnbeck Island,

Weston Super Mare)

Vote ‘SWINDLER’

 Mr Randy Swindler

Your LOCAL ‘Golden Fleece Party’ Candidate!

Our mottos:

‘LET’S BE HAVING YOU,’

‘YOUR ‘SAFE’ IN OUR HANDS’

‘VOTE NOW…PAY TOMORROW’

“Join us”

Party membership fees as follows-

 Registration fee. 100 guineas.

 Annual subscription fee. 150 guineas.

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OUR MANIFESTO.

The Economy.

Our ‘Shadow Chancellor of The Exchequer’ to be Mr Lionel Blair Hutz the 3^rd

All Bank Of England gold reserves (310 Metric tonnes), funds and bonds to be transferred to Golden Fleece Investments PLC (Registered Cayman Islands) to take advantage of ‘The Swindler Organisation’s’ unique and attractive Investment  opportunities.

A New ‘BANK OF ENGLAND’ to be based on the Country’s  1^st Official and legitimate TAX HAVEN ! This to be situated on Birnbeck Isle, Weston Super Mare. It will be known as a SWANK. Here everyone will have a personal Bank manager, or ‘Bank Swanker’ as they will be known. 

Money.

All Crypto Currencies to be banned along with all electronic methods of payment. This to regain control over the money laundering and tax evasion that is currently possible using the existing system. All future payments/receipts to be made using only CASH. To this end ‘Swinpounds’  will be the country’s new official Currency and will be available in various denominations.

All ‘Swank Of England’ investments to be personally handled by our ‘Minister For Investments’, Mr ‘Lucky’ Tom Champaign. (Formerly a financial advisor to ‘The Readers Digest’.)

TAX EXILES

                                       LOBBYING.

Rather than painting Lobbyists as Pariahs, The Golden Fleece Party welcomes these ‘Movers’ and ‘Shakers’. ‘Flourish Commerce And Let The Country Live’ , That’s what we say !

Minister for ‘Fast Track’ 

LOBBYING 

Sir Cedric Creep ( Also CEO of ‘Swindler Lobbying Solutions PLC) 

PENSIONS 

All pension portfolios to be ‘safeguarded’ by placing them in our secure Keynsham ‘Pensions Warehouse’ Here they will be sensibly and reliably invested using the Swindler ‘Infra Draw Method’ (1^st popularised by an early ‘Golden Fleece’ party member - Sir Horace Batchelor)

HEALTH

Shadow minister for Health ‘Sir Charles Snuffles’

Sir Charles will abolish the NHS and replace it with the revolutionary ‘Swindlecare Self Diagnosis and DIY Home Treatment System’.

 Instruction manual and details of courses that teach the ‘Swindlecare DIY Method’ to be sent to all households in the UK.  (price £100)

All hospital and medical premises will be modified to cater for the new DIY system.

The ‘Swindlecare’ Guide to DIY Dentistry is also available for a further £25.

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EDUCATION

All schools to be brought under central government control. 

PTO groups and any other ‘meddlers’ to be banned. All future school funding to be directly paid for by parents into the central government coffers, and fees to be based on value of parent’s car.

‘Conkers’ to be re- introduced to all school playgrounds. Also a variety of contact sports including ‘gut barging’ and ‘sumo wrestling’ for the clinically obese.

A new way of teaching featuring ‘The Apprentice’ system of ‘whoever makes the most money during term time goes to the top of the class’, to be encouraged. (Thus encouraging future entrepreneurs and investing in the vital financial future of our Nation) 

Introducing casinos and scratch cards (in conjunction with ‘Bet Fred’) to primary school children. (To encourage numeracy and ‘responsible gambling’)

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HOUSING

‘Help To Rent Out’ initiative. ( A direct subsidy to be paid immediately to cash strapped landlords) This to be overseen by Sir Fergus Wilson and Dame ‘Dolly’ Rackman.

‘HELP TO BUY’

1^st time buyers to be offered ‘Time share’ Prefabricated apartments. Designed by ‘N. Nutcrusher Developments Inc.’ utilising redundant lorry containers and tailored for people who are prepared to share with others who also are prepared to work during ‘anti-social’ hours.

These to be built on ‘brownfield’ and floodplain sites throughout the country. Initial down payments and mortgage payments. Terms available up to 200 years (Courtesy of revolutionary Cryogenic Pension Solutions System’ (where future payments can be made by your grandchildren as long as there is a chance you will be able to repay them! ) Payments to be made to central government via the ‘Swindler’ Easy Payment Scheme, underwritten by ‘Swindledown’ Insurers and Investments. 

                                  The Environment.

Environmental Rain Tax.

A new ‘Rainfall Tax’ to be levied on all people. This to be based on acreage of land owned. For far too long people have taken for granted the ‘free’ water that falls on their land each year. This will raise conservation awareness and generate millions of pounds in revenue. £1.00 per litre of rainfall  (Just think what we could have made this year!) Proceeds of Rainfall Tax to be used to ease pressure on cash strapped Water Company Shareholders thus ensuring funds available for water treatment improvements ! 

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Energy.

FRACKING.

Minister for Fracking – Sir Derek ‘Blaster’ Bates. 

Why should big business keep all the proceeds?

DIY ‘Fracking kits’ to be made available to all UK households

(Kits to be supplied by ‘Swindler Geo Tech Solutions Ltd’ include –drilling rig/dynamite/10 tonnes sand/ high pressure water pump)

Solar energy.

THE BARRAGE!

In the United States of America, during the 30’s and ‘The Great Depression’, one of the most astonishing engineering feats ever accomplished by man was the building of the ‘Hoover Dam’. This incredible construction not only inspired a generation of people but also greatly alleviated the poverty of workers made redundant by the collapse of the main economy at that time. 

Any parallels with now? Well’ we are still in the midst of a so called ‘Global Recession’, what better way of tackling this dilemma, than by taking a leaf out of the American’s book and investing in our own future!

A NEW FREEPORT AND BARRAGE  AT WESTON !

Green energy! Enough to power one third of the country could be gleaned by harnessing the tidal power of our very own Severn Estuary!

Several excellent surveys and proposals have been completed and submitted already, but the governments of various times past have rejected them every time. 

Why, one asks? Simple! They don’t have the vision and courage of the Golden Fleece Party!

10,000 local jobs to be created during construction of the new Severn Barrage!

To achieve this end it is anticipated that the whole of Dolberrow, Banwell, Bleadon and Brean Down Hills will be flattened ( Possibly Crooks Peak as well?) This will create the rubble required to erect the new Barrage. All affected residents to be fully reimbursed after the compulsory purchase of their properties ( in ‘Swincoin’) and re situated in the ‘Newtown’ development (to be called - ‘Swinley Village’ )to be situated on the old airfield near Hutton.

The well known civil engineers ‘NORAND’ PLC ( Managing Director- Mr Randy Swindler, CEO Mr Norman Nutcrusher) have been approached regarding the execution of all construction works. (Mr Nutcrusher has already agreed terms/prices and issued contracts to colleagues, so no need to incur unnecessary expense by putting the work out to tender.) 

Just think of the fabulous views that will be had by people in the Weston, Clevedon, Congresbury and Banwell areas once these ‘eyesore’ hills are finally removed! Tolls to be imposed on visitors and fees derived from energy production will more than pay for the cost of construction.

CRYPTO CURRENCIES.

All Crypto currencies to be banned excepting our own ‘Swincoins’. These ‘Coins’ to be ‘mined’ within the huge computer complex that will be built on the Isle of Birnbeck and managed by our own I.T. specialist team headed by Professor Milo Mesmero.

Bankers!

Fed up with Bankers getting all the spoils!?

 Bank CEO’s and others worthy of massive payouts to be paid in future with ‘Bankers Vouchers’ only!

These to be redeemable at all ‘Smith and Wesson’ Gunsmiths and at all ‘Swindler ‘Bagsafe’ Country Shoots’, golf courses and Cynthia Payne massage parlours throughout the UK!  Either that or by using the ‘Swindler Country Estate Transferrable Assets Option’.

Payments can be made ‘In Kind’. For instance the recent reasonable annual bonus payment to Tom Champaign of ‘Swindler International Banking PLC’ of 12 million pounds could easily have been redeemed, using the ‘In Kind’ system, for 1 million brace of Pheasants! 30 years massage in one of Cynthia’s Parlours, or indeed, a 500 acre estate in North Wales!

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                                                                     Local Issues. (Weston –Super-Mare)

THE TROPICANA.

Following the huge success of the ‘Banksy’ exhibition, The ‘Art Deco’ swimming pool to be re-instated complete with the ‘Iconic’ Art Deco Diving platforms. The funding for the re-instatement to be raised by the following methods :-The building will be rented out to Weston Town Council as the new location of the town’s principle ‘benefits office and payment center’.

The pool’s perimeter is also to serve as an all weather greyhound racing track and the pool’s frontage to ‘boast’ 50 ‘Fixed Odds Betting Terminals and 100 Scratch card Dispensers, also a National Lottery ticket outlet.

A subterranean ‘Super Casino’ is to be situated in the new ‘Under Pool Annexe’

Also featuring a ‘Bargain Booze Basement’ !

So, basically, having drawn your benefits, time for a little ‘flutter’ and an invigorating swim in the new unheated outdoor pool.

BIRNBECK PIER.

Birnbeck Pier, the brainchild of Eugenius Birch, which has linked Weston Super Mare to Birnbeck Island since it opened in 1867 is now in a perilous state of disrepair!

Private investors and local government have betrayed the vision of the original architect and also failed to exploit the stunning potential of this unique edifice. 

The Golden Fleece Party have come up with the perfect solution to preserving this historic site and also for funding the future development of the Pier and Island. The ‘key’ word here is ‘Island’. For we suggest that Birnbeck Island become the country’s 1^st formal ‘Tax Haven’. It is here that UK tax exiles from all over the world can flock and manage their huge financial resources, whilst only being a few meters from ‘Mainland England’.  For too long The Isle Of Man, The Channel Islands, The British Virgin Isles and others have enjoyed an unfair advantage over us, a situation we, as your trusted government, intend to reverse! Imagine all this and also easy access to Weston’s famous ‘Sovereign Shopping Center!

DEFENCE

Sir Nigel, ‘Knuckles’ Nutcrusher (Norman’s Brother) to be appointed as Army General Chief Of Staff. 

(Basically, no one messes with ‘Knuckles’. Need I say more? )

CYBER SECURITY !

For too long we have been at the MERCY of computer hackers. Our future security, wealth and health demand a NEW system.

ALL CRYPTO CURRENCIES TO BE BANNED!

What a WASTE of ENERGY ‘Mining’ Crypto Currency causes! . This bewildering ‘New Currency’ to be put where it belongs – Back in the minds of the diabolical brains that created it ! 

All financial and personal detail records from now on to be recorded ONLY on PAPER !

All existing Electronic data to be transferred to Paper files. This will create Millions of Jobs for the otherwise unemployed .

New paper mills, Pencil and Biro making Factories to be built on Brown Field sites.

                                        PMQ’s

Randy Swindler’s ‘Golden Fleece Party’ (if elected) is set to transform Politics in this country by

 ABOLISHING PMQ’S !

In The future PMQ’s will be replaced with the 1hour session to be known as - ‘SING’A’LONG’A’SWINDLER’

 This will be a cross party (Compulsory for ALL Members Of Parliament) Community Singing Event. What a relief that will be eh? No more Puerile, Pathetic and Pointless slagging matches ! Just a chance to hear if your honourable member has a sense of harmony and possibly have a 'perfect pitch' ?

This will, we believe, add to cross party consensus, cooperation and lead to a less divided house and system.

And finally…

We thank you for reading our manifesto, and sincerely hope we can count on your vote at the forthcoming

GENERAL ELECTION.

Summary. 
Basically, ‘The Golden Fleece Party’ is a party that ‘takes no prisoners’, and believe me, we know what it’s like to be a ‘prisoner’!
Let us into your homes and hearts (especially – your homes,) and let us ‘sort you out’!
I look forward to your vote and especially to receiving your membership and registration fees* as previously noted.
Remember.
YOUR ‘SAFE’, IN OUR HANDS!
Yours most sincerely,
Randy Swindler
 
*Fees to be accompanied with completed forms (name, address, bank details, pin numbers, mothers maiden name, favourite pet names etc)